How are you doing?… Thank you for asking!
September 21, 2009
So many of you have reached out to me, to check in on me. You wonder how we are doing… you let me know we are in your thoughts and prayers. I wanted to say that I am so deeply thankful for all of it. Thank you for the thoughts.. the prayers.. the beautiful cards, and for even wondering! I know I would wonder.. if I wasn’t in these shoes.
The truth is…. I have cried at least once, every single day so far.
And I am so thankful that I can cry.
It is healing… there is something so good and so precious about it. Every tear is full of so many things…
It just sort of hits you – you never know when it’s coming… it just comes!
Yesterday it was during worship at our church. Music is certainly a factor that can cause tears in a moment. I welcome the tears and actually celebrate that my heart has loved enough to cry… for days and days! That I see, is a gift!
I think about Heaven every single day now…. The hope of Heaven has never more real to me. I reality of it has never been more true. I know that Peter is there! That he is whole and healed and completely beautiful! This thought helps so much. It actually makes me happy inside. I am happy to know that he is truly at peace… and even more alive than I am right now. He finished the race here…. and I know God was pleased!
He impacted so many lives here. The only thing a man could hope for… more than that, would be mostly more years…
But God allowed something different.
He’s done with this earth… but did not leave me or my children empty handed. He poured himself into each of us.. in way that will last us our lifetime~ The embrace he gave my son, only days before he passed is something I will never forget … ever.
It was the blessing of the father… poured out to the son… he wouldn’t let go of Colin. Only until every part of him was poured out. I’ve never seen something so amazing..
My children continue to grieve… to cry… to heal. Our loss is great and our hearts are broken. But hope still lives within us. Our faith has not been diminished… it continues to trust and believe. We still laugh… and live… and love! We continue to go to soccr games, football games and we even still argue.. .. yep! We are simply living each day as best we can.
We talk about Peter…. we talk about heaven…. we beLIeVE.
I’ve never done this… tried to help my children walk through the loss of their father…
I feel so unprepared. And I may not see everything. They seem to be doing alright. They seem to be feeling. But this is a long journey! My greatest prayer now.. is that God heals the heart of my children… with wholeness. That he directs and guides me with wisdom in this process. That I don’t miss anything in it.
When Peter was diagnosed with cancer for the 3rd time…. I asked God only 2 questions.
The first one was, “why so much for Peter Lord, why?” His answer to me was not warm and fuzzy… he simply said, “Pati, you are living sacrifices..”
I’ve thought long and hard about that answer…
So then I asked Him, “But Lord, the heart of my children will be pierced for their entire lives…” After a moment, He then said to me, ” I know, my Son was pierced too”
Tough answers….. deep waters…..
Only God knows the plan… the big picture. I can only see in part.
Peter’s life… and his death… has meaning and purpose beyond what I can imagine. I simply have to believe that my children’s hearts and lives are safely in the hands of their Creator— only He knows what He is doing in the big picture of their lives. Only He can heal the heart that is broken.
I beLIeVE he will - not without scars – but he will mend… and comfort. That is what He does! I have to believe this!
Dear Peter,
I miss you every single day…. we all miss you so much!! We know you are whole and healed. We know you are enjoying the greatest treasures.
We continue to believe and trust in God’s plan… you said it yourself, everynight… to the kids
“I love you
Jesus Loves you
And He has a wonderful plan for your lives. ”
Now I know why you spoke this almost evey single night — God knew too~
I love you!
Me!~
SO well said Pati. I’m amazed and encouraged ever time I get the chance to see into your heart. What a gift to all of us who care for you to be able to hear you articulate your experience and heart so well. Thank you friend.
And thank you for the book HEAVEN! I cried last night reading the chapter on pets. Such a gift to me! And I not only was touched by that but realized that this book is exactly what I need from God right now. I’m going to read the whole thing! For some reason, even though I’m a believer, I have allowed the fear of death and grief over death encumber my faith. I know this book will help me break free of that so thank you!!
xoxo
Pati, I’m a good friend of Melissa’s and I love your family! I’ve been trying to remember you guys in my prayers since Peter passed. I’m sitting here in tears typing this. Life is so hard sometimes and yes, God has a plan, but sometimes it’s such a helpless feeling. I have no idea what you are going through and can only offer my prayers.
What a beautiful post Pati!!! Thank you so much for sharing! I agree that tears and prayers are an amazing way to heal! You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers!! Take care!
Patti, it is such a blessing to read how you are trusting God in this new and difficult walk that He has started you upon. My first thought when I heard that Peter had passed into the open arms of God was “Peter must be having a spectacular day today” that was quickly followed by sorrow and prayer for you and your sweet children.
I was praying for you just before the memorial service and the Lord gave me a word to share with you. I knew it was to be shared after a period of time had passed.
It was simply this, “If Patti will walk in graciousness during this extremely difficult time, I will use her to do even greater things for the Kingdom.”
I can’t think of another person I know who could have walked in God’s graciousness as well as you have. I know God does indeed have a wonderful plan for the rest of your life and those of your children. He will use you in ways far beyond your imagination. You will be a blessing and encouragement for many more people.
Much love,
Cindy
I’ve thought of you and your children often over the last few weeks. Thank you for sharing your heart. I will continue to pray for you as you walk this unfamiliar path. Your faith and love is beautiful.
Pati,
I continue to write and delete because I truly don’t know what to say. You are an amazing woman. God is so evident in your life and what a testimony this is. Thank you for your strength because it gives me strength. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and was healed. I don’t know what I would have done if he had passed away and still to this day I wonder if I will have the strength when that day does come. I can’t imagine… only with Gods strength can you make it through something like this.
Thank you for sharing. We all do care for you and have wondered how you are doing in this time. I can’t even imagine. Thank you for sharing your heart. I will continue to pray that God shows you more and more what he is going to do in your lives and in others lives through this!
Kim
I’ve never met you, but sent a message to you months ago before Peters’ passing….I was a Canandaigua Academy classmate. I want you to know that what you wrote was truly amazing, and I think you are truly amazing.. your strength is enviable!!!
beautiful.. you know the song sara groves sings.. ‘add to the beauty’. you do just that, and i love reading your beauty, pati..your family has filled lives with beauty and so much more.. all the way over here in texas, to me (and my family/friends i share your life to) thank you so much for your heart, and i thank papadios for his son, our savior, that shows us how to keep believing. love your soul, bless your family, abrazos, lisi
this post was so awesome! so deep. so beautiful. so real. i’m not sure if i could have that great perspective you have. much love sent your way! thanks for sharing this!
Pati, thanks so much for sharing your heart. I don’t know you very well, but have prayed for you and your family. I don’t have too much to say, but that it’s obvious the Lord is walking you through this time.
I’ll keep you in prayer and your children especially. You are a blessing!
Pati, You are amazing! I can’t get over the fact that you just lost your husband and yet in the midst of this tragedy it is “YOU” who is inspiring everyone that you come in contact with. God has truly given you the gift of writing. Every time I read your blog it touches my heart in such a way that I can’t describe. I honestly think that you should consider writing a book some day. I believe that God is going to continue to use you and your children to touch the lives of those that don’t know Him. I will continue to pray that God will heal your broken hearts.
Sincerely, Vikki
Ok, now I’m crying. I, too, am happy that Uncle Pete is in a better place and that he is at peace, but I cannot imagine life with my husband or my father. You are sooo REMARKABLE! Colin, Julia, and Alissa are BLESSED to have you for their mom. I’m still hoping we’ll be able to see you in Yuma in December!!! The Nutcracker is the weekend of the 11th. Let’s start planning something soon! Hopefully, my dad and Maria can come too
XOXOXOXOXOXO
Pati, this is just beautiful. I must admit that if I were wearing mascara right now, I’d be in trouble. I share in your tears, not just after reading your wonderful reflection, but everytime I see Peter’s face in the memorial card and my own memory. Peter was the most courageous man I’ve ever known. He didn’t whine — so unusual for anyone suffering what he suffered. I imagine him now sharing the same corny jokes, and maybe some new ones, with all the angels and saints. He has added much to the joy he has been given.
As for you, I’m so grateful for your faith. It is truly sustaining you and keeping things in perspective — positive rather than the much easier negative. It energizes you to go on, even to cry, but it also enables you to share in Peter’s happiness.
My love and prayers for you all,
Karen
Pati, You are an amazing woman. I don’t know you and your beautiful family but the way you share your heart and soul into your writings and pictures is truly amazing. Peter was truly blessed to have you in his life. Your love and your lives will be lead by Jesus, he will help and heal. You are in our prayers.
Dear Pati,
You mentioned your kids in this last post. I wrote a card to them specifically that I brought to the memorial service because as I’ve prayed for them I believe that hand of the Lord is upon them! More than just His grace and strength to get through this season of grief and healing, but all the days of their lives God will pour into them; sustain them; guide them and have fellowship with them. I believe this is a promise from God. The Word says He won’t leave us orphans, fatherless. He is our provider in all things. I will continue to pray this for your awesome kids everytime I think of them. And you too! You are of course on the forefront of so many people’s hearts and minds and will no doubt continue to be. You are definitely on ours each day.
Thank you for sharing so openly and candidly! Your strength is amazing! Its as if we can feel right along with you because you are so expressive and clear, which I find remarkable considering how fresh everything is. Scott and I talk about you all the time!
I love you,
Lydia