Life…
December 30, 2009
I have been in California visiting family for the past few days. Actually, it’s more like I’ve been a bit passed out since I’ve arrived. Sleeping in, taking naps and basically resting. This is something I rarely do.
I had great plans of blogging the entire time I was here… but I believe that the best thing for me to do is to take advantage of the rare time when I can rest.
It has been ONE LONG YEAR….
I can’t even begin to try to sum up the year. In many ways, I’m actually still in shock as to what’s taken place. I still can’t believe at times… that my husband of 19 years is no longer with us. I get jolted into this reality with every holiday and birthday that comes along. The only way that seems fit to even begin go describe this new reality is… surreal… at best.
On March 3rd of this year… I thought everything was alright. We were told that the tumor that was removed from Peter’s sinus was completely dead tumor – no live cancer cells – and that the surrounding margins were totally clean. That was the most beautiful day of our lives. I remember all the texts I received from loved ones. Everyone was rejoicing in this good news for our family. I thought we had our happy ending…
But as most of you know. 3 months later, Peter got a call on his birthday, that changed our entire future.
The happy ending was over… and my family had to face saying goodbye.
Peter’s final earthly breath was taken on August 28th 2009 – at 9:00 am. I was with him in this final moment…
I was there when he left our world and entered another- and the truth is… I feel as though I live in 2 worlds ever since.
The reality of our world being temporary is so completely clear to me now… and the reality of an eternal world… of salvation.. of Heaven, of life beyond here, is with me every single day. It has never been more real!
When our journey with cancer started… I felt like I was given a promise. It was from John 10:10. “I have come that you might have LIFE… and life more abundant.” I thought that this was for Peter. That he would have LIFE thorough this ordeal. I was told by a good friend that the word believe… contained the word LIVE in it. This – is what I have held onto from the beginning. I have beLIeVEd for life for Peter the entire time.
And I don’t regret one moment of it. This was my assignment. But, what I have come to realize is that we don’t always understand God and His plan. The fulfilment of this promise did not come on this earth. It was actually fulfilled in Heaven instead. I honestly did not expect this… at all. I believed with everything in my being.. that Peter would have life HERE. Not there. Not yet anyway.
But that is exactly what occured. And I am faced with a choice. Bitterness or faith? Anger or acceptance. Both are viable – and real. Both understandible. Both are part of the process. But the truth is……
I know that Peter is alive. I know that he HAS LIFE. I know that his life now is more abundant than it has ever been. More abundant thanI can even begin to imagine. Peter knew where he was going. He knew Heaven was real. He read so much about it just before he crossed over to this place. The promise of LIFE I held onto – was fulfilled in eternity. And it is REAL.
I saw this in my dream. The only dream I have had of my husband.
He is alive. And we will see him again. That I know to my core. That is what gets me through. It is why I live in this world… yet completely understand that there is an eternal world that dominates my thinking so often now. It impacts how I live… even more. Everyday.
This is a wonderful place… and I love life just as much as the next person. But this life is short.. it is not eternal. And how we live here…. matters. How we live here effects eternity.
That is where my heart lives now. It lives In the moment – yet for eternity. It is how I always hope to live – from here on out. With the perspective that all I do now is always for a purpose. All I do… can impact others for good… that a light shined IS seen somehow.
Peter Pakulis was an exceptional man. A faithful loving husband and father, brother and son. A dear friend. An amazing doctor. Extremely intelligent, incredibly handsome, with a wonderful sense of humor. He possessed a beautiful and steadfast faith – and always tried to share what he knew with others. He was one of the hardest working people I have ever met. He was honest and fair and genuinely a down to earth kinda guy. NO airs – no pretensions… just Peter.
I am so proud of how he chose to walk out his journey with cancer. With courage, great faith and without a word of complaint.. ever. He simply continued to work hard, provide for his family and demonstrate heroic steadfastness and unselfishness.
He is alive now. Free. Healed and I guarantee – completely mesmerized by the new world in which he now lives. I would dare say that I believe there is a sadness he feels… to not be able to be with his children as they grow up and go through life… but one thing he wrote to a friend just before he passed is this:
“I have come to a semi peace with the children. They were God’s before He gave them to us, they have ultimately been His since He shared them with us, and they will also return to Him. Certainly there would be a void in their lives should I leave, but God can fill any void and can use what may have been designed for evil and make it good. And according to God’s eternal plan it may be that I am purposed to go home now. When I was 19 I fell through a gymnasium roof and broke my neck. If the trade off was 30 years of walking vs. life as a quadriplegic I would with a doubt take the 30 years. ”
I miss him so much some days I can’t even think straight! I have yet to be able to even sing yet at church. All that comes out of me every single week are tears. I can’t seem to get any words out. The worship leader has lost her voice. SO instead I lift my hands in worship and I weep. It is my offering. It is all I have to give for now.
But I KNOW – in the pain – where Peter is. I KNOW – the hope of salvation in and through this. I know that Peter has met his Savior Jesus – face to face. I KNOW my children have a legacy – a gift of faith - from their daddy that is more precious than gold itself. They witnessed great faith – in each day their dad lived with this thing called cancer. They saw real love and faith through it all. His life on earth… and the knowledge that he is ALIVE in heaven… will grow in their hearts for the rest of their lives.
That is what I must hold onto. This I believe… is our promise. And all that Peter would have hoped for.
As this year comes to an end, I wanted to honor my husband again. It is very hard for me to say goodbye to 2009. Hard for me to enter the new year without him. It is still so hard to say goodbye – despite all I know and all I believe.
So I hold onto the only thing I know… a bit of faith that tells me I will see Peter again someday. I will embrace him and see his smile once again. Until then…
I love you Peter!
One thing I know in my heart…you have touched us all with yuor pictures and your words…and Peter is very proud of you.
Beautiful as always Pati.
What a beautiful tribute to a wonderful life. Although I cannot compare the loss of my elderly father with the loss of your beloved Peter, it has given me the same awareness of eternity and purpose. I continue to lift you in prayer with our love.
Pati, you are such an inspiration….
thanks for sharing your heart so openly, I know there are lives being changed each time you share. Love you!!!
Amen my friend. Your heart brings so much joy to the heart of God. I know it. He is beaming down on you. And so is Peter. This temporary separation, though painful, will be short. It won’t be very long at all now and we will ALL be together without the pain of sin, loss and death. I can’t wait! God is SO pleased with you Pati. Keep on surrendering yourself during this very short window of time in which you have such unique opportunities to point to Him. Hugs.
Wow..I’m a friend of Melissa’s, so I’ve read about your family on her blog before but this post just brought tears to my eyes. Your husband sounds like a special man. Your optimism in the face of your loss is SO incredibly inspiring. God Bless!
Hi Pati.
I’ve followed along with your family’s journey through Melissa’s blog. I just wanted to say first that your post is so real and sincere. It is really beautiful and I’m blessed for reading it. I don’t know you and I wouldn’t begin to offer any true personal understanding of your situation but when I was reading your post I had a thought. You said you believe YOU were given the promise of John 10:10 (abundant life). My thought as you described the new revelation of this life versus eternal life is that you received that promise. You are now experiencing this life in a more REAL way that perhaps many of us who haven’t been through losing a spouse are not. I saw this truth in this sentence that you wrote: “The reality of our world being temporary is so completely clear to me now… and the reality of an eternal world… of salvation… of Heaven, of life beyond here, is with me every single day. It has never been more real!”
That, to me, sounds like abundant life!
God bless you and your family! Thank you for sharing your experiences this year. I hope you get all the rest you need and deserve. Sincerely, Michelle S.
Pati, Colin, Julia and Alyssa… Peter’s wife and Peter’s children. The way you have walked through this year has been heroic as well…. you’ve lived in a glass house, and done it with amazing realness, grace and humility. It’s been terrible and precious to journey with you. A privilege to know you and have served with you and Peter over the years. May God’s presence be tender and gentle throughout the new year as He guides you continually until the very sure and certain day when you will all be reunited. We love you. Thank you for your open hearts, especially yours Pati for sharing these deep waters with us and contributing to the faith of so many.
The Krugers
Pati, I don’t know you, I know Melissa and found your blog thru her. I was so very touched by your story. Watching my mother pass away in 2003, and her speaking to my deceased father, reaching out to him in that last day, I too am a firm beliver that we will see our loved ones again, they are just waiting to help us cross over. Bless your family. Nancy
Pati – I’m also a friend of Melissa. So sorry to hear of your loss. We have a good Christian friend in MN who lost her husband of 25 years to Alzheimers in October 2009. We called her at about 8 pm on Christmas night and all she could do was pretty much cry – saying that she had been snowed in for two days and that we were the first people to call her over two day period of Christmas Eve and Christmas. While I know it is of little solace to you at this very difficult time, at least you are with a loving family.
Even though I don’t know you, or your children, as a fellow Christian I can certainly pray that God would minister His peace and comfort to you and your children. I dated a girl right after high school whose dad was killed in a work accident when she was in 7th grade and she said if she had not turned totally to Jesus, she would have messed up her life big time. I pray your children will find a way to turn to Jesus.
Doug
Pati, that was so beautiful, inspirational and moving. This really brought me to tears, and I was really moved by both your process of healing, and articulating your belief and feelings in a very real and raw way, as well as the letter that Peter wrote to his friend regarding your children. I think what Randi said in the comments is probably true, that you are changing lives through your words and all the wisdom and grace you radiate and share. We’ve only had a handful of conversations in person, but you have always left such an impression on me. There is just something so beautiful about you on the inside (and outside of course) and this post just really emanated that on a deeper level. I continue to say prayers for you and your children and wish for you continued healing and faith this year.
Pati, your words always touch me deeply. Your grace is so inspiring, and you teach me to appreciate the small amount of time I have with my family. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for the gift of knowing you. Hopefully we can spend more time together in twenty10!! hugs!
Pati — you are so awesome. I miss you terribly. That’s it…I’m calling you right now.
Pati, thanks for sharing your heart and your emotions so eloquently. Your words are raw and inspiring and beautiful. God bless you in your journey ahead.
Love you Pati
Pati,
As Clint and I read the tears flowed. We will never be able to tell you how much you both blessed and changed our lives and continue to do so each and every day. Your faith and love for God is an inspiration and reaches deep within me. Thank You for sharing your personal thoughts about Peter’s life, journey, battle and last hours. We miss him as the dear friend and dedicated Dr. that he was. We love you!! xoxoxo
Pati,
your words like always bring me to tears! I honestly do not know how you are so strong! One can almost say you too, had cancer with Peter. You were there with him, standing by his side walking there beside him with all the endured! And for you to come out and be able to say the things you say, to be able to smile….I don’t know how you do it. Well I do know how, you’ve always had your faith. For that I am so thankful! Peter made my faith in the LORD so much stronger! And I too, can’t wait to see my brother! I miss him too! He loved you so much! That I DO KNOW! You are such a beautiful person! Great mother! Best Friend! And a loving sister! My dream for me, would be, to be more like you! I love you, admire you, and respect you Patricia Ann Pakulis!
Odd
Pati,
your words like always bring me to tears! I honestly do not know how you are so strong! One can almost say you too, had cancer with Peter. You were there with him, standing by his side walking there beside him with all that he endured! And for you to come out and be able to say the things you say, to be able to smile….I don’t know how you do it. Well I do know how, you’ve always had your faith. For that I am so thankful! Peter made my faith in the LORD so much stronger! And I too, can’t wait to see my brother! I miss him too! He loved you so much! That I DO KNOW! You are such a beautiful person! Great mother! Best Friend! And a loving sister! My dream for me, would be, to be more like you! I love you, admire you, and respect you Patricia Ann Pakulis!
Odd