20 years…

April 20, 2011

Pain…

It is the one thing in this life that I believe we all NEVER want to experience.  We will do just about anything to avoid it.   Yet it’s inevitable.  It happens to all of us somewhere in our journey.

So why the heck would I even consider writing about it?   In fact if you’ve stopped reading, I get it.  On a day like today, why not talk about my marriage to Peter instead?  The truth is that I really don’t know – I guess this is what I need to write about maybe?

As much as we don’t like pain, it IS an interesting and useful teacher and I guess I’d like to just share a little about what it’s taught me.  Pain does have value.

So I’m posting something that I started writing  quite awhile ago.  Maybe 6 months after loosing my husband Peter to cancer.

I finally finished it this morning…  the day of what would have been our 20 year wedding anniversary.

Dear PAIN,

I didn’t know that you would become such a part of my life.  That you would drop in so unexpectedly at times and embrace me at a moment’s notice.

I wouldn’t call you a friend, but I never imagined that we’d get to know each other so well.  That you and I would actually have a relationship.

Your visits are difficult – but I always feel better after you’ve been here.  I do however, like when you leave.

Though you are present in my life much more often then in the past, there ARE  others that visit my life often too.  Their names are Joy, and laughter, hope and faith and of course there’s my favorite… love.

You are only one in the midst of many that are a part of my life.  And though there are moments when you take center stage, I’ve learned that I can continue to live and to love, even in your midst.

Unlike what many believe, or fear, you do not have to destroy my life.  Your mission is not to kill.  In fact, I’ve realized that you actually come bearing a few gifts that are hard to come by without you.  Gifts like strength, compassion, mercy and humility.  Empathy and even wisdom.  Brokenness that leads us to the reality that we need others.  That we need God.

I know you are not the only one that bears these gifts, but they seem like they are of a superior quality when they come from you for some reason.  They seem to have a little more value.  Maybe you paid a greater price for them I think.  I don’t really know.

So I guess I just wanted to let you know that I accept you.  That I am not afraid of you.  And that I am beginning to even understand you… just a little.

And though I’d be content to never have you visit me again, I know I’ll see you sometime in the future.  I know that  you’re alive in this world for now and that you won’t go away…not yet.

But there will be a day that you will be gone for good.  You will have completed your mission in the hearts and lives that needed you and then “poof” you will cease to exist.

I only know this because God says so…

And amazingly, this verse was read out loud on the day that Peter and I were married.

“And God shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”  Revelation 21:4

Now why did we have THAT verse read at our wedding?   Really.  Well… I guess God knew.  He knew that you and I would live together often – for a season.  He knew that I would need to remember that you do not last forever.  Especially today.  The day of our  20 year anniversary.

And though I’m sure you’ll be stopping by later, that verse is my rainbow for this day!

I do have to say that you visit me less often recently, but you sure do show up when I least expect…and that’s ok.

I’m glad I let you embrace me – and I’m glad I didn’t fight you off or try to lock my door when you showed up.  I know you’d get to me one way or another – so I just let you in.  And I let the rain fall.  And it has washed my heart and my soul and helped me heal.

So thank you.

Until Heaven, I’m sure I’ll see you again.  But when I finally get there, it will be good-bye for good!  And I won’t miss you either…. I’m sure you understand.

Pati

Dear Peter,

I love you and I miss you deeply!  Though we have a new living arrangement -I just wanted to say that I still celebrate my love for you.  Happy Anniversary.