April 20, 2012
Ever since I can remember,I’ve always wanted and hoped for a full life! I’m the type of person that has always tried to live life to the fullest.
Well, what’s funny is that I can certainly say that life has become quite “full” for me.
There are times I’ve laughed so hard that I could cry – and times I’ve cried so hard I could laugh…
I know what it’s like to SOAR and I know what it’s like to suffer.
I understand joy AND sorrow. I know peace and I know pain. I’ve danced with happiness and I’ve embraced the arms of sadness.
I live in the moment so much more than I ever, knowing that’s it’s all we truly have… and understanding that at any moment, as my dear friend Jordan Lawhead best puts it, “Lightning strikes, before the Thunder Roars.”
You could say that my cup does runneth over. Not in way I’d have ever imagined or expected, but it’s certainly FULL none the less.
I love what has been of course… but even more so, I still love what IS, me, my children and life, AND what WILL BE. I LOVE life – and yet, I know there’s more. I’m not SO in love, that I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye… and hello!
I’m not bitter or angry. Those emotions have always sort of been tapered by something a little bigger… something I am deeply deeply grateful for. It has been the anchor of how I’ve gotten through any of this. Those emotions have always been a little short circuited by trust.
I don’t know why… it’s certainly ok for me to feel those things, but trust has always trumped pain, or anger or bitterness. It just has for me… I can’t explain it.
Trust is what has kept me from feeling like a victim. It has kept me planted and steady.
Sometimes I’ve wondered, am I in denial? Maybe… I guess life will play out and I’ll know. But for now, the truth of my life is that I have known and walked with Jesus for over 25 years and I know Him enough to trust Him. I trust Him. In the good and the bad. In the peek and the valley. His hand is the one I squeeze when I need to get through. I just trust that there is a plan in all of this.
And how I respond… is what matters. How I live before my children, in response to the loss of their father matters. How I walk this out… my be my biggest test this life has for me.
You know – NO one was watching Job when things were good – but when things were bad, he had an audience. It really sort of became his moment… Both God and the devil himself were watching. How would he handle tragedy?
Maybe that’s the WHY we plague ourselves with asking. That haunting age-old question that every human being struggles with. WHY?
For Job there was NO logical reason that he lost his family – except that his life became a stage to witness one thing… How would he respond.
Somehow, God earned my trust early on and He’s never lost it. I’m grateful that it hasn’t wavered… that alone is His grace to me.
My deepest truth is that I know Him and I trust Him.
My life IS full – it feels great and in a moment it can hurt. It’s colorful and then sometimes very black and white. It’s crazy CRAZY hard – and then some days it’s like gliding on top of an ocean of glass with the sun and wind behind my sail.
Fullness of life…. is how I see it. My glass is never half full or half empty.
It’s just full!
Today I’d like to honor my late husband Peter Pakulis. 21 years ago, I said “I DO” What a beautiful day and beginning that was.
21 years later, I am here with 3 AMAZING children who mean the world to me. They have a legacy of their Father’s character tucked deeply in their hearts. They watched a courageous man walk out his final days with not one word of a complaint or “whoa is me” attitude. They watched a Man who loved God – go to be with his Maker.
They know they will see him again… someday.
Their lives are FULL too – and I can only trust, that it is part of their plan. That’s the hardest part for me. But I trust that it will make them into who they are supposed to be in this life…
it’s all I can do.
Today I have fullness of life… not as I’d have imagined it, but fullness never the less.