10 years…

September 11, 2011

In honor of the victims of the attacks that took place on September 11th, 2001 – you are not forgotten!

You will never be forgotten!

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I’m a bad blogger…

September 2, 2011

Actually, I just took some time to pause. It was a pretty big week for our family. The 2 year anniversary of my husband’s passing. We spent it together with Peter’s brothers. I was really grateful for that.

I couldn’t really blog at all … I just needed to pause. I’ve needed to pause.

I rarely do this. But it’s good.

So, I’m sorry all… I just sorta checked out I guess.

But it’s time to get back to work… and here is a photo that I wanted to share. I took this of my beautiful niece Stefanie on her wedding day recently. It just sort of makes me feel good.

I love beauty!

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Heaven’s Embrace

June 12, 2011

True confession – I am horribly uncomfortable in front of a camera.

I’m not sure how this camera phobia evolved – but it is just not fun for me to have my picture taken anymore. Not one bit!
Of course there’s the obvious reason. Life has certainly drawn its lines along my face. It has etched itself into me without my permission. Especially when I smile…
So I think about my life and say – well, that’s about right. Unfortunately, yes, I am aging – and the last several years have certainly made their mark. Sigh….
So photos of me? NO thank you!!
But I was courageous recently, and I went ahead and had some pictures taken. I desperately needed SOME kind of head shots. So my dear friend and wonderful photographer, Annie Gerber took did the honors. Thank you so much Annie!

I felt so awkward and tense during the shoot. I was just plain uncomfortable. Mostly because I know that the more I smile, the more my “life lines” as I prefer to call them, (NOT wrinkles! ha ha ha ) will show up and take over. It’s all completely and totally vain I know – but I am human. And I am a woman!

Well, for a moment, I remember FINALLY relaxing. I was sitting on chair and Annie told me to look up. When I did, I felt the sun hit my face it’s warmth flushed through me. My mind eased and I felt a peace. I remember thinking, Peter is up there , so I smiled! It was genuine smile that was not afraid of showing any lines. It was like I was in heaven’s embrace –for just a tiny moment.
Later, when looking through the photos, this one stood out for me! I’ve actually kind of fallen in love with this picture. Certainly NOT because it is of me, but because it reminds me of that moment. Of feeling heaven’s embrace. It reminds me of Peter. Of looking in heaven’s direction and knowing that he’s there! It reminds me to continue to look up in life. To remember that I too, will fall into heaven’s embrace for good…. someday.

It is a picture of hope for me.

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Today happens to be Peter’s birthday! And I’ve been wondering recently what he might be up to. Is he relaxing, reading a good book? Maybe he’s taking a nap by a beautiful stream. Or maybe, he’s having a great conversation with someone that he found to be fascinating here on earth. I would guess that latter.
Whatever he’s doing, this photo reminds me of him. And it is also a perfect example of how I have come to live my life now, “sitting here, yet my eyes are raised to heaven.”
The truth is that I think about heaven every single day. I look up and let the sun hit my face and think – someday this will all be over and I’ll be there.

I love this life – I absolutely love it! I am grateful for the gift of life. As a photographer, I celebrate life and savor it every time I look through my camera lens. And I am in no hurry to get to heaven, but this life is not all I have. I have much, much more ahead of me.
It’s no secret that I am a Christian. I simply believe what Jesus said, “I have come that they might have LIFE, and LIFE more abundant.”
I believe that God is the giver of life and that eternal life is real. It is a gift and it’s only cost is faith!
I know that this subject is probably the most controversial subject on the face of the earth – and my heart is not to debate or argue or convince you of anything.
I simply want to sing to you the song in my heart. A song of hope and of life. It plays constantly as I look to the heavens and sing, “God loved me so much that His Son died for me and those who believe, will have eternal life.”
This is my song.
This photo helps me continue to sing.
The most life changing revelation that I have ever had was the realization that Jesus loves me. All of me, completely, as I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. That’s it. And that love changed my life.
He loves me. And he LOVES you too!
I realize that some will listen to music and some won’t… but my job is to just keep singing!

One thing we all know for certain is that our lives here do not last forever. And I have seen that life can change in one single moment – suddenly! It happens every single day all around me.
I believe that the song that I sing is what can help get anyone through anything. At least is has worked for me.

So gazing to heaven I want to say, Happy Birthday Peter!
I’m sure that a party in the stars is mind blowing. Of course we love you and we miss you. But as Colin said on Easter Sunday… We know we will see you again someday and you will be waiting for each of us with open arms!

PS… One more confession: my “life lines” have been softened a bit with photo shop! What can I say? In heaven those will be gone for good too! lol!

20 years…

April 20, 2011

Pain…

It is the one thing in this life that I believe we all NEVER want to experience.  We will do just about anything to avoid it.   Yet it’s inevitable.  It happens to all of us somewhere in our journey.

So why the heck would I even consider writing about it?   In fact if you’ve stopped reading, I get it.  On a day like today, why not talk about my marriage to Peter instead?  The truth is that I really don’t know – I guess this is what I need to write about maybe?

As much as we don’t like pain, it IS an interesting and useful teacher and I guess I’d like to just share a little about what it’s taught me.  Pain does have value.

So I’m posting something that I started writing  quite awhile ago.  Maybe 6 months after loosing my husband Peter to cancer.

I finally finished it this morning…  the day of what would have been our 20 year wedding anniversary.

Dear PAIN,

I didn’t know that you would become such a part of my life.  That you would drop in so unexpectedly at times and embrace me at a moment’s notice.

I wouldn’t call you a friend, but I never imagined that we’d get to know each other so well.  That you and I would actually have a relationship.

Your visits are difficult – but I always feel better after you’ve been here.  I do however, like when you leave.

Though you are present in my life much more often then in the past, there ARE  others that visit my life often too.  Their names are Joy, and laughter, hope and faith and of course there’s my favorite… love.

You are only one in the midst of many that are a part of my life.  And though there are moments when you take center stage, I’ve learned that I can continue to live and to love, even in your midst.

Unlike what many believe, or fear, you do not have to destroy my life.  Your mission is not to kill.  In fact, I’ve realized that you actually come bearing a few gifts that are hard to come by without you.  Gifts like strength, compassion, mercy and humility.  Empathy and even wisdom.  Brokenness that leads us to the reality that we need others.  That we need God.

I know you are not the only one that bears these gifts, but they seem like they are of a superior quality when they come from you for some reason.  They seem to have a little more value.  Maybe you paid a greater price for them I think.  I don’t really know.

So I guess I just wanted to let you know that I accept you.  That I am not afraid of you.  And that I am beginning to even understand you… just a little.

And though I’d be content to never have you visit me again, I know I’ll see you sometime in the future.  I know that  you’re alive in this world for now and that you won’t go away…not yet.

But there will be a day that you will be gone for good.  You will have completed your mission in the hearts and lives that needed you and then “poof” you will cease to exist.

I only know this because God says so…

And amazingly, this verse was read out loud on the day that Peter and I were married.

“And God shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”  Revelation 21:4

Now why did we have THAT verse read at our wedding?   Really.  Well… I guess God knew.  He knew that you and I would live together often – for a season.  He knew that I would need to remember that you do not last forever.  Especially today.  The day of our  20 year anniversary.

And though I’m sure you’ll be stopping by later, that verse is my rainbow for this day!

I do have to say that you visit me less often recently, but you sure do show up when I least expect…and that’s ok.

I’m glad I let you embrace me – and I’m glad I didn’t fight you off or try to lock my door when you showed up.  I know you’d get to me one way or another – so I just let you in.  And I let the rain fall.  And it has washed my heart and my soul and helped me heal.

So thank you.

Until Heaven, I’m sure I’ll see you again.  But when I finally get there, it will be good-bye for good!  And I won’t miss you either…. I’m sure you understand.

Pati

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Dear Peter,

I love you and I miss you deeply!  Though we have a new living arrangement -I just wanted to say that I still celebrate my love for you.  Happy Anniversary.